By Craig P. Dixon, southcoast247.com correspondent Social Commentary 89
December 12 th, 2006
You know, sometimes it’s a pain in the ass, writing this article. Contrary
to popular belief, the damned thing doesn’t write itself. I don’t have a
team of researchers pulling content for me. No thousand monkeys at a
thousand typewriters typing out the column for me. Unfortunately, there’s no
AI putting together the latest Craig Cares.
It’s just me. Plain ol’ Craig. And some weeks, I have no idea what to write.
Usually, it’s not writer’s block hindering the process. Rather, it’s
self-censorship.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Your Humble Author sometimes has to gag himself.
There are subjects that I just shouldn’t touch, and hitting them in my own
singular manner may cost me a few things: Among them, my job.
Today, ladies and gentlemen, that changes. Simply by toning down the
language, the untouchable becomes touchable.
First, that blood money-hungry degenerate OJ should be put to death. It’s
obvious the douchebag killed his ex-wife and young Goldman. After all, who
else had any reason to kill his ex? “The Real Killers”, whom he’s been
searching for on golf courses throughout the United States? While this
asshole refuses to pay the moneys due the Goldman and Brown families, he has
time to put together a book and TV special describing how he would have
killed his ex and Goldman, if he had done it.
Right. Talk about insult to injury. OJ should be dragged into the street and
put down like a mad dog. Two between the eyes. No fanfare. Then his
murdering ass should be tossed into a landfill to rot with the rest of the
garbage.
Next, a little letter I wrote another celebrity:
“Dear Ms. Spears,
Please stop showing off your (four letter word that rhymes with punt) in
public. There are some things that just aren’t meant to be seen: And this is
coming from a man who’s seen just about everything. In honesty, it looked
like someone had taken a sledgehammer to your razor-burned vertical smile. I
mean, you’ve got kids who’ll see this someday, Britney. Think of your kids.
Not with your squish mitten.
Thanks,
Craig Dixon
P.S. Seems your newfound BFF Paris learned her lesson from previous
panty-less experiences. Thank her kindly for keeping that brutalized
meow-meow under wraps.”
I’d like to send my heartfelt congratulations to tremendously talented
musician Kid Rock and wonderful actress Pam Anderson on their impending
divorce. Thanks for discounting marriage even further. I am preparing an
article on banning all marriages, and dedicating it to you.
And finally: Hurray to 20-year-old Lindsay Lohan for biting the bullet and
hitting Alcoholics Anonymous. Just because you can’t legally have a drink
doesn’t mean you’re too young for AA.
Hope you enjoyed the lighthearted column. Next week, I’ll confront a more
serious topic: Darfur.
Until then, keep yourself entertained by scrutinizing the misdeeds of our
much maligned celebrities. I know I do.
You know, sometimes it’s a pain in the ass, writing this article. Contrary
to popular belief, the damned thing doesn’t write itself. I don’t have a
team of researchers pulling content for me. No thousand monkeys at a
thousand typewriters typing out the column for me. Unfortunately, there’s no
AI putting together the latest Craig Cares.
