By Craig P. Dixon, southcoast247.com correspondent Social Commentary 80
October 9, 2006
My friends, there’s this evil book tearing through our public schools like
gutrot moonshine through a sick donkey! Nefarious in purpose, this blasphemy
threatens to sway our children from the righteous Christian path!
We must confront it at every turn! In the name of the good Christian God and
his son, our Lord and Savior, Jesus, shun it! Chase it back into its
sepulcher-like hole!
The book, my God-fearing leaders, is “Harry Potter”! And we must press our
(PRAISE THE LORD) Republican leadership to ban it from public schools
immediately! For it is the harbinger of the endtimes!
Can I get an amen?
Ha! How’d you like my fire&brimstone preacher impression? Maybe I should
quit the whole libertine, nihilist trip and move to the pulpit. There’s
probably more money in preaching than drink-slinging. But banning “Harry
Potter”….
Doesn’t the whole idea sound a little ridiculous to you? This is, after all,
the book that gave kids a reason to read again. To take their crusty eyes
and booger-coated little fingers off of the TV and XBOX controls, and place
them on a book.
Why? I wouldn’t know. I’ve never read Potter and don’t plan on reading it.
Further, I’ve never seen a “Harry Potter” movie. But any book that gets kids
to read seems pretty damned good to me.
Well, unsurprisingly, not everyone thinks like me. For example: Georgia
mother of four Laura Mallory claims Potter is “evil” and “promotes
witchcraft”. She’s worried that good Christian children shall convert to
witchcraft and is currently trying to get the book banned from Georgia
public schools.
Let me be honest: I don’t know a whole hell of a lot about “Harry Potter”.
What I do know I’ve gathered from movie trailers. Over those few minutes, I
discovered the movie seemed very little about witchcraft (in the Aleister
Crowley, pre-Scientology L. Ron Hubbard, spells and hexes sense) and far
more about fantastical bullshit like flying broomsticks, nerdy kids, and
crazy, “for laughs and oohs and ahhs” spell-casting that nobody takes
seriously.
Nobody…except our very impressionable schoolchildren.
That’s why I’ve decided to side with Mrs. Mallory and back the “Harry
Potter” ban. If we don’t, we may have uncontrollable, super-powerful witches
and wizards roaming America’s streets and skies, thousands of times more
powerful than Al Qaeda. Nerds will rule the day, and we can’t have that. The
power will go right to their heads!
Ha…just bull-shittin’. Nerds will never rule the world.
However, I have some advice for Mrs. Mallory as I ask her to rescind her
request. Through past experience, banning anything only gives people a
reason to buy it. Makes ‘em curious. Hence the popularity of tripe like,
“The Satanic Verses”. And The War on Drugs.
Furthermore, this road opens the door to banning all sorts of
quasi-religious books. Soon, we’ll have to ban everything of literary value,
because every decent book has been influenced (sometimes more, sometimes
less) by religion or mythology. Then we’ll have to get rid of the Bible,
Torah, Koran; All the “holy” books. Because who knows: They just may get
someone to convert to something you don’t agree with.
So drop it. Be happy your kids are reading, laughing as they run around the
yard, playing with broomsticks and casting fake spells at each other. At
least they’re not perusing porn on the net, listening to the latest 50 Cent
CD, or playing Mortal Kombat on the Playstation. Or experimenting with hard
drugs, wading into the waters of heavy petting, or seeing just how deep they
can punch a blade through human flesh. Or….
We must confront it at every turn! In the name of the good Christian God and
his son, our Lord and Savior, Jesus, shun it! Chase it back into its
sepulcher-like hole!
