By Craig P. Dixon, southcoast247.com correspondent Social Commentary 76
September 12, 2006
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this week’s edition of Craig Cares. I’m Craig Dixon.
A couple week’s ago, my biographer, Dr. Lawrence (Larry) Centers, took over the article, as yours truly was too overworked to kick an article out.
Unsurprisingly, this was the most writing I’d seen of Larry’s in about a year’s time. The guy is supposed to be working on his magnum opus (my life story), and hasn’t sent me so much as an outline. He just hangs around the bar all day, drinking very little (he prefers cocaine and hallucinogenics to alcohol), scaring away my customers with his punk nutcase rants. He’s become an unsavory character.
You see, about a year ago, Larry took one of those crazy Peruvian jungle trips where you’re introduced to a shaman who, in turn, introduces you to an ancient hallucinogenic brew containing a drug called DMT. This experience had an epic effect on Larry. Among the enlightenment he received from the entities on the other side:
A)Life is meaningless, as the world is going to end in the year 2012.
B) The only people who’ll survive the endtimes are those in touch with the “other side” (i.e. constant users of hallucinogenic drugs who commune with the “other side” entities on a regular basis).
C) There is no free will. Our actions are set. Therefore, overthinking a problem is useless, as you’re going to do what you were set to do long before. However, though we don’t have free will, there is a God and Devil, and he’s met both.
D) President Bush isn’t human. He’s actually an alien from the Zurborask region, sent to hurl the world into an endless cataclysm that’ll lead to the 2012 endtimes.
E) Underwear is the handiwork of the Devil, and all who wear it were predestined for hell.
And so on.
Therefore, gathering that tiny bit of information, one can see why Larry’s not working on his magnum opus. The world will end in 2012, so what’s the worth of a grand work that no one’s going to read?
Exactly…nothing.
I know what you’re asking yourselves: What do I think about Larry’s hare-brained ideas?
Simple. Larry should lay off the fucking nose candy. He should stop tripping so much and get my damned biography done.
Because no one can predict when the world’s going to end. Hell, it might end in 2012, but it might not. Making that kind of assumption is almost as shady as predicting New England weather. The best way to know what the day’s going to be like is to wake up in the morning and look out the window.
And, when you leave, bring an umbrella. Just in case. After all, it might rain.
A couple week’s ago, my biographer, Dr. Lawrence (Larry) Centers, took over the article, as yours truly was too overworked to kick an article out.
