By Craig P. Dixon, southcoast247.com correspondent Social Commentary 69
July 26, 2006
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this week’s Craig Cares. I’m Craig P. Dixon.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this week’s edition of Craig Cares. I’m Craig P. Dixon.
I returned to bartending in May after a seven-month hiatus. In the two and a half months I’ve been back on the bar, I’ve become reacquainted with everything I love about the job.
And everything I hate.
I’ve been angered more times than I can count since my return. Usually, the reasons for drawing my ire are very inconsequential and easily avoided. My educated guess is: People just don’t know they’re making silly, easily avoidable faux pas. Like foreigners foregoing a tip, these clowns a) just don’t know any better, or b) could care less.
For you of the b) variety: Go fuck yourselves. Come to me when I’m behind the bar and pull your bullshit, and I’ll see to it that you never get a drink on Martha’s Vineyard again. I’ll make sure your ferry reservations are mysteriously misplaced or cancelled. And if you came over on your yacht, sportcruiser, sportfisher, what-have-you, I personally guarantee you’ll sink some five nautical miles from your final destination. You goddamned punks…how many times I’ve wanted to bludgeon you to death with an empty bottle of house vodka as a warning to all the other b) variety dipshits.
Enough. Die already.
To those of the a) variety, here are a few helpful hints to get along with your bartender;
1) When ordering a drink from the bar, the customary tip is a dollar a drink per four dollar beverage: Or roughly 25 percent. If you get an eight dollar drink, toss the bartender two bucks: 20 percent. And if you get $50 dollars in diverse beverages, hand the bartender a ten.
Too many times I’ve been shafted. “I’ll take 4 Bloody Mary’s, 4 Bud Lights, a Margarita with rocks and salt, and a Jack and Coke.” “That’ll be $57.50.” I hand over the drinks, get 3 twenties shoved in my hand with a, “Keep the change,” and a shit-eating grin.
And immediately want to tear the lips off the grunt before me. Come to me again for drinks, and I’ll ignore you, or send you to another bartender, whom I’ve already told not to serve you.
2) If the bar is extremely busy, and the bartenders are running around crazily, trying to get drinks for fifty other drunks just like you, have your drink order and payment method ready before you go to the bar.
Because: If a busy bartender gets to you and says, “Whadda ya want?” And you reply with an, “Umm, I’ll have…hmm…I’ll have…uhh,” he or she will immediately move on to the next person. For every moron like you, there are 3 people who know what they want.
And most good bartenders have 3 orders in their heads at all times. Keep that in mind as you make the bartender’s mind stutter along with you.
3) Once again, if the bar is slammed, don’t go to the bartender and order exotic, hard to make drinks.
If you come up to me at 12:15, as I’m freaking out, sweat pouring from my brow as I try to satisfy everyone at the bar, and say, “I’ll take 2 frozen Margaritas and 3 Mudslides.” I’ll laugh in your face and move on. Or, if you’re lucky, I’ll return with 5 Bud Lights and say, “17.50.”
Do not ask for stupid, complicated shit when someone is busy. Fact is: In the time it’d take to make 5 frozen drinks, one could toss out a case of bottled beer, 15 Vodka Tonics, some shots, and make a shitload more money for the house. If you want to get wasted, ask for 5 Stoli Tonics. Keep it simple.
4) Do not go to the busy bartender and try to look all Hollywood by saying, “It’s my girlfriend’s 21st! Make us something!” “Whadda ya want? Drinks? Shots?” I ask. “I don’t know.” You reply. “Make us something! Anything!”
In reply, I may tell you to fuck off. Maybe I’ll laugh at you. Perhaps I’ll pour you a couple of Cement Mixers (Bailey’s and Lime Juice: curdles in your mouth; instant vomit). Most likely I’ll just move on to someone who knows what she wants.
5) Whatever you do, do not return to a busy bartender and say, “This drink is non-alcoholic,” when he just dumped 2 shots of Jack Daniels into the fucker in front of you. The bartender will not give you more booze. And you’ll gain a certain notoriety around the bar as a world-class drunken dumbass who’s to be avoided at all costs.
6) Don’t be that guy who goes to some bar for the first time and says, “Hook me up. My friend(s) bartend(s) here.”
Because you will be called on it.
7) Finally, don’t say, “Vodka Tonic.” Then, when the bartender returns, “2 more of those, and 3 shots of Cuervo,” and when he returns again, “and 3 Bud Lights.”
The bartender may give a loud, war-like whoop, hop over the bar, and club you to death like a baby seal.
And he’ll get away with it, as the authorities will call the killing just, given the circumstances.
If you want to keep your bartenders happy (and keep them serving you) follow these simple rules. Keep things simple and straightforward. Have cash or card in hand, along with your order in your head.
And throwing them big fat tips can’t hurt, either.Read more from 'Craig Cares'
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this week’s edition of Craig Cares. I’m Craig P. Dixon.
