By Craig P. Dixon, southcoast247.com correspondent Social Commentary 67
July 12, 2006
Welcome, ladies and gents, to this week’s Craig Cares. I’m Craig P. Dixon.
I thought my article on noisy sex and inconsideration was lackluster at best. But surprisingly, it was the first Craig Cares to elicit an email in more than three months.
Here, in all its glory, is the email.
“Dear Creg
Funny story. I had sex with a girl in a Jacuzzi and there was 3 people in it. Wunder if they knew. LOL.
Anywy, I sex and dont care about people in my house. If it bothers u so much, why don’t u writ an article bout makin sex quiter so u dont here it?
JUst an idear.
Keep up the good work.” name and email withheld
Well bud, thanks for the email. It’s “words” speak volumes.
In appreciation, I’ve decided to entertain your idea and write up a little something on making sex quieter, so as not to bother your non-sexing friends.
You can soundproof your room. Few of us can afford the 20 or so grand for decent soundproofing materials, never mind the cost of labor. So, I recommend taking the “Hustle and Flow” concept of ghetto soundproofing and putting it into practice.
Haven’t seen “Hustle and Flow”? Well, there’s a scene in the movie where they use egg crates to soundproof a room, creating a makeshift studio. They staple the egg crates to the walls and bingo: Instant, inexpensive soundproofing.
Now, you may have a tough time finding a thousand egg crates. But there are other materials one can utilize. There’re foam mattresses, empty cereal boxes filled with “peanuts” (packing materials), old magazines (there’s nothing more attractive to a girl than walls coated in 80s Hustler’s), asbestos insulation (really cheap these days), what-have-you. Be inventive.
Then, there’s soundproofing your partner. Many different options may be employed in this endeavor. There’s the old “palm across the mouth” technique, for the somewhat loud, yet not too enthusiastic partner. You know: The “deer in the headlights” type that gets around to making a few noises, but doesn’t go too crazy.
There are many variations on the tried and true “palm across the mouth” theme. From the “pillow over the face” technique (which also doubles as erotic asphyxiation [be careful to lift the pillow every 30 seconds or so, don’t want to kill anybody]), to the wonderful “karate chop” version (where one turns the palm sideways and jams it into an extremely loud partner’s mouth [be wary, somebody might be a biter]), muffling another’s gurgles of pleasure has been around for thousands of years (or since the advent of modern religion made sex something to be ashamed of).
There are other ways of quieting your partner that I’ve heard about, but haven’t confirmed actually put to use. Most of these involve punching your partner when he/she least expects it. The infamous “Donkey Punch” maneuver involves punching someone in the brain stem, or one can give a swift chop to the throat if the situation calls for it. And nothing beats an old-fashioned one or two hand choke hold. But these are extremely violent techniques that I recommend in only the direst circumstances.
Barring necrophilia (which I assume the writer of my lovely email has tried); one can find plenty of ways to make sex quieter, so as not to disturb friends, neighbors, and family.
But, when the clothes are off and the deed’s about to go down, who’s going to take the time to do it?Comments?craig@southcoast247.com..
I thought my article on noisy sex and inconsideration was lackluster at best. But surprisingly, it was the first Craig Cares to elicit an email in more than three months.
