By Craig P. Dixon, southcoast247.com correspondent.
Social Commentary 150
March 5, 2008
Yuh know, Jesus? Sometimes I jus' don' feel mas-cur-line enough. Grant yuh, I got mah mullet and handlebar 'stache. Mah slim fit Wranglers and sleeveless, "Free Mustache Rides" T.
Then there's ma black steel-toe shitkickers. Dose babies is things of beauty, if I do say so mahself. Polished 'em up nice yes-tuh-day. They's sparklin' like a million Stars o' Bethlehem, guidin' free million wise mens to yuh, Jesus.
Buh tain't enough. Yuh see, I jus' tain't kicked much shit lately. Tha boots all a sparklin' without tha blood of the godless heathens to bless them. An' there jus' tain't been many takers on tha "Free 'Stache Ride" offer lately. Ain't it a gosh dern shame, Jesus? Uh mean, ain't it a GOSH DERN SHAME?
What have uh did to offend yuh, Lord? I ain't lain with tha beasts of tha field or spilt mah seed upon tha ground in nigh on a decade, now. I voted fo' Dubble-Ya in 00 an' 04. An' uh continue ta drive ma overloaded 350 EH-VUH-REEWHERE, gittin' 8 MPG aver-AGE! An' uh ain't committed tha sins of Onan 'cuz I ain't had an eee-REC-tion in nigh on a month to commit tha sin with, ya GODDAMN bastard child, ya!
I'm truly sorry Jesus, fer takin' yer name vainly. Buh why have yuh forsaken me? Huh, JEEZUS? Answer me that. Here I am, doin' yer work, lordin' over tha animals in tha fields an' tha womenfolk in tha titty bars an' desecratin' the en-VIRE-ment an' such. Jus' what is it ya want me ta do, mah Savior?
Mo' impo'tanly, mah Lord - Jus' wha' do I haveta do ta get a boner agin? An' wha' am I ta do ta get the womenfolks upon it agin?
What is that, Jesus? Ma truck is incomplete, ya say? Well, jus' what else do it need? It already got dem chrome runnin' boards, tha holy gun rack, an' mudflaps with the curvy womens an' what not. Wha' more, oh Lord?
Bull balls? Mah truck needs a set of bull balls to say it's male? Ta tell all, "WATCH OUT, NOW! BIG SWINGIN' DICK COMIN' THROUGH!"
Well, shee-it Jesus! That's a quick fix. An' here I wuz thinkin' you wuz gonna say I needed to follow the Code uh Hammurabi or somethin'!
I cain see it now. Mah truck wit' balls! I'm a real man, now, Jesus!
Bull Balls are retarded. Your truck is, too. And face it. Dale Earnhardt is dead. The wall won. Nobody cares. craig@southcoast247.com
Yuh know, Jesus? Sometimes I jus' don' feel mas-cur-line enough. Grant yuh, I got mah mullet and handlebar 'stache. Mah slim fit Wranglers and sleeveless, "Free Mustache Rides" T.
