By Craig P. Dixon, southcoast247.com correspondent . Social Commentary 142
December 31st, 2007
2007: Where to start? I, like many others, began the year with a touch of optimism.
OK. I’m lying. I’m not an optimistic person. So, let’s call it hope. I began the year full of hope and promise, and now can’t wait for the fucker to end.
People have asked me for an analogy when describing 2007, and for that, I came up with this. Think of 2007 as a night at the bar on New Year’s Eve, 2006. You’re having a great time, knocking ‘em back with your friends. You get a little buzz on. Meet a hottie and head on outside for a makeout sesh. Everything is going right.
Then 2007 comes along. You’ve got your tongue in someone’s mouth and a paw on someone’s tight ass. Everything’s going fine and dandy.
Suddenly, reality hits and the drunk pukes DIRECTLY INTO YOUR MOUTH. You spin and try to spit out that barf, but inevitably swallow somebody else’s puke. Makeout sesh, over. Fun times, over. Begin brutal hangover. Pan out. Exit omnes.
And there’s 2007. Its beginnings were beautiful, but that cutesie-poo bullshit ended abruptly and left the average disgusted American with a bad taste in his mouth. It can’t end fast enough.
Though you may argue that some sick fuckers are into getting puked on, that’s not the point. And hell, you may even say, “Fuck everyone else. I had a good year. The Sox won the World Series. Remember?”
This has nothing to do with your year on a personal level. And in the grand scheme, the Sox winning the World Series, resurgence of the Celtics and absolute domination by the Patriots have little to do with the truth about 2007, and little real effect on our everyday lives. On a cultural and political level, the US, and we individuals as an extension of our country, had a terribly shitty year.
Where to start? How about the economy? The US Dollar dropped below the value of the Canadian dollar to a 30-year low. The housing market is seeing what some call a collapse and I refer to as a correction. This has stymied economic growth and thrown credit providers into the shitter, forcing some of our nations largest banks to borrow from countries like Saudi Arabia and China. Regardless of what people tell you, our economy isn’t heading for recession. It’s already there.
Then there are gas prices. The cost of fuel continues to rise. But hey: Congress helped. They signed a bill requiring all autos to get 35 MPG: by 2020. They’ve also increased federal subsidies for the production of ethanol. Otherwise known as gasohol, ethanol is a part gasoline, part corn alcohol product that pollutes just as much as gasoline and requires considerable resources to produce. These subsidies are turning most farmers away from planting food products, which leads to one of the most disturbing facts of 2007.
BEER PRICES ARE RISING! With the current ethanol craze, there will be a substantial wheat and hops shortage in coming years. Supply will be low. Demand will be high. Cost will go up. Add these increases to the cost of fuel, and we’ll likely see a 10 percent increase in price, per beer, in 2008. The horror.
Oh yeah: Bread prices will go up, too. And milk. And whatever else you eat.
But hey, on the bright side, the media did a hell of a job in 2007: Almost as great a job as the Aruban authorities on that Natalie Holloway case. They kept me up to date on all the school and mall shootings. I saw the Myspace photos and YouTube videos of everyone involved. Hell, I even learned the shitting schedules of these narcissistic losers. At least I’ve forgotten their names.
We got all the Britney, Lindsay, Paris and Anna Nicole news we could stomach, and then some. I’ve been linked to more crotchless meow-meow shots by the mainstream media than in any previous year.
This isn’t necessarily a good thing. If you’ve seen one beaten-up shaven vulva, you’ve seen ‘em all.
The media provided the public with debate after Presidential candidate debate that nobody watched. I guess that’s something. After a year full of them, you can still ask the average American what Mike Huckabee’s stance is on abortion, and likely hear, “Who’s Mike Huckabee?”
Guess what, nimrod. He’s your next President.
The internet further added to my dislike of people by making celebrities of hipster assholes. I’m misanthropic by nature, but YouTube and Myspace have pushed me to another level.
Sometimes I wake in the morning and whine because The Rapture hasn’t happened yet. I know we haven’t been Raptured because I’m not playing badminton in heaven with Jesus.
Then again, the human race is bringing on its own slow Rapture. With Global Warming threatening the environment, increasing violence in Moslem states destabilizing the world, and a re-amplification of the US/Russia military pissing match, one just has to guess that something fucked up will happen sometime soon.
Then there’s the Iraq War. Still going.
I’m going to end there. One could go on forever talking about how bad 2007 was. I’m just glad it’s on the way out.
As for 2008: My expectations are so low that maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Then again.
