By Craig P. Dixon, southcoast247.com correspondent . Social Commentary 141
December 23rd, 2007
I loathe Christmas. I hate the stress the holiday puts on people. Hate the strain it puts on people's wallets and the environment. And cannot stand the cheesy traditions and terrible Christmas songs.
I mean it. If I hear that "Dominick the Donkey" song one more time, I just might have to go disinter a certain Italian-American vocalist's corpse and use it to decorate my hearth. I fucking swear, it's a toss-up between that song, Paul McCartney's "A Wonderful Christmas Time", and the goddamned dogs barking to the tune of Jingle Bells that'll finally give me that aneurysm I've always wanted for Christmas.
Ho ho ho.
What really gets me about Christmas is the wastefulness of the holiday. People stretching their credit lines to the limit just to get Cousin Billy that sweater he really could give a shit less about. Families festooning their properties with millions of lights, tremendous inflatable snow globes, and animatronic Santas, just to thrust that holiday spirit like billions of daggers through the unprepared eye of the nighttime driver. Driving and flying their ways to familial celebrations that they can't really afford and don't really want to attend, but do, "just because". Chopping down trees, wrapping gifts, pumping more carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, and declaring it all OK because it happens just once for about a month and a half every year.
It makes me want to SCREAM when people overhear my Christmastime ranting, come over to me, and attempt to pacify my rage with a warm palm on my shoulder whilst shaking a finger at me with the other hand.
"Tsk tsk tsk." They always say. "You've forgotten the reason for the season."
Now, I could reply with my favorite of Yuletide recipes: A little something I call "Craig's Special Boot to the Balls Garnished with Fresh Urine Sprinkles". But, I always go with the flow and say, "And what is the reason for the season?"
To which these morons always reply: "Jesus".
I always laugh. Here they've fallen into my trap. "Really?" I answer. "Jesus?"
"Yes."
"Well, tsk tsk tsk. A) Jesus was Jewish and lit the Menorah. B) He probably looked more like Mohammed than Jim Caviezel. C) He never celebrated a fucking Christmas. D) He most likely wasn't born in December. And E) If he came down to Earth to see his 'birth' celebrated with inflatable Frosty the Snowmen and shopping marathons, I'm pretty damned sure he'd authorize a Rapture in Reverse." As a coup de grace, I dish out the ingredients to my favorite recipe. Victory is mine.
But victory always rings hollow around Christmas. No matter the rhetoric or the toll on the average consumer's wallet, the holiday will remain.
Next year, I'm writing this column from Saudi Arabia. I hear Christmas isn't big there.
