By Craig P. Dixon, southcoast247.com correspondent . Social Commentary 139
December 7th, 2007
If you question someone long enough, probe deeply into one's psyche and get to the breaking point, you'll reach the same shocking teary admission time and again. At some point in life, everyone has been associated with a guido.
Just what the hell is a guido? Pronounced gwee-doe, he's a fake-tan in the wintertime douchebag with enough gel and pomade in his hair on any given evening to style the locks of a third world nation. He spends five nights a week at the club, pumping his fist in the air, shamelessly dancing without rhythm to techno or house music. He might go to the gym, but most likely just lets the roids and protein do the dirty work for him.
Kings of the guidos in their element
Body hair is his enemy. He shaves every inch of himself. What he can't get to, like, say, his asshole, he has his guido buddy shave or wax for him. I know what you're thinking, but there's nothing gay about getting naked, bending over in front of your guido buddy, and offering up your balloon knot to him for a healthy waxing. There's nothing gay about a smooth anus. Right?
Guidos aren't gay. It's just that an awful lot of what they do makes them seem gay.
The guido takes a ton of pictures of himself and his boys. They're usually at the club, fresh off of throwing down some Heinekens and Jagerbombs, smooching at the jealous "sluts" who refuse to give them the time of day. Jealous, because in the guido mind, he looks better than any girl in the club.
And he should. He spends more time making himself up.
A lot of people think the term "guido" is defamatory for Italian. Not so. Though the term guido generated from the heavily Italian New York/New Jersey area, the truth is most of the guidos I've met aren't Italian at all. In our area, guidos are usually of the Portuguese, Latin American, or Mutt persuasion. Formerly pasty-skinned white boys with newly oranged complexions and spiky Treasure Troll hair, Mutt guidos are the worst of all, because they try harder to be guidos than anyone else.
When looking for the prototype guido, I recommend typing "guido" into a search engine. Any engine will do. These kids to the right here are the best known guidos: The Gotti grandkids, from the show "Growing Up Gotti". Wonderful specimens of manhood, those Gotti guys. I bet they have no problem wiping their freshly waxed assholes.
every guido's wet dream
Type "guido" into the YouTube search engine. They're a YouTube phenomenon. You get hundreds, if not thousands, of results. They range from comedy skits to cell phone video of guidos in action. Guidos dancing. Guidos talking shit to each other. But never fighting. Guidos are too pretty to fight. I recommend typing "my new haircut" into the YouTube engine to witness a fine mockumentary of the guido lifestyle.
Ahh, Jagerbombs and another sausage fest at the club with the guys – Can life get any better?
Comments? craig@southcoast247.com and inform me..
