By Craig P. Dixon, southcoast247.com correspondent . Social Commentary 135
November 6th, 2007
Ladies and gentlemen, you and I know that this column runs on two fuels: Rage and booze. In 2008, it seems there'll be a surplus of one of those catalysts, and a drought of the other.
That's right, folks. Beer's going to come at a serious premium come next year. Most craft brewers are expecting a rise in cost of at least 10 percent per beer. Soon, we'll be looking at 10 dollar six packs and seven-dollar barroom pints.
Numerous factors have led to this brewing cost increase. 1) There's a shortage of hops, a key brewing ingredient. 2) Many American farmers have cleared out their wheat fields in order to grow corn. Corn, due to the current biofuels craze, is now a federally subsidized crop. And 3) Skyrocketing fuel prices have made the cost of everything shoot up.
I was freaking out about the rising cost of beer the other day, wallowing in self-pity whilst choking down a nasty four-dollar bottle of Bud, when some dude said, "Why are you so worried about the cost of beer? We'll be paying four bucks a gallon for gas come this time next year. THAT'S what you should be worried about."
I wanted to choke this dude. Nevermind the fact that he pulled up in an F-350: If I don't know you, and I'm NOT TALKING TO YOU, leave me the fuck alone. This moron seemed to think he had carte blanche to speak whatever he wanted to me because I was groaning about the rising cost of booze to the bartender.
He thought wrong.
"Can you drink a gallon of gasoline?" I queried.
"Umm... no."
"Then shut the fuck up."
I could care less about the cost of gasoline. Eventually, it's going to shoot way over 4 bucks. At that point, I'll quit the city and move up to the mountains. Find a decent cave. Settle in. Write my memoirs.
And most importantly, find out how to distill booze from bark and leaves.
Save the world. Grow hops!
Our government, in all its wisdom, has decided to invest in biofuels as a measure of weaning American demand for foreign oil. My friends, biofuels aren't the solution to our fuel issues. They kick out as much greenhouse gas as gasoline. They're terribly inefficient to produce. Planting more corn takes away from one of this country's greatest trade products: Wheat. The price of food shall go up as acreage devoted to growing crops decreases. Worst of all, this whole bullshit biofuels craze is fucking with my life by RAISING THE COST OF BEER!!
Fuck gasoline. Beer was around first. The Pyramids were built on bread and beer, and they're still there. And will be there long after that last drop of gasoline is burned off.
How do we go about lowering the cost of beer? It's a simple process, really.
DISPOSE OF THE INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE! BUILD MORE NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS! EXTEND THE RAIL SYSTEM! Think about desalinization plants to keep the agricultural machine going through drought. Think about sea powered generators to provide a constant supply of energy. Push out coal, oil, and gasoline and other carbon-based fuels. Move onto the next step.
For shits sake, get the goddamned subsidies out of biofuels and the Defense Dept. and move it into experimentation and implementation of feasible, profitable alternative energy ideas.
Only then shall we have affordable beer. Only then shall you have an emotionally balanced Craig Dixon.
Ladies and gentlemen, you and I know that this column runs on two fuels: Rage and booze. In 2008, it seems there'll be a surplus of one of those catalysts, and a drought of the other.
