By Craig P. Dixon, southcoast247.com correspondent . Social Commentary 133
October 27th, 2007
Occasionally, people ask me about writing. It always starts the same way. They can't write. I can. It's such a talent to be able to express oneself with the written word, as so few can. Etcetera.
Well, I think it's all bullshit. Anyone can write a mediocre piece of shit nobody wants to read. Shit, if James Patterson, Ann Coulter, and O.J. Simpson can put together books, so can you. A chimp can come up with better.
Writing a decent work separates the few from the rest. But you can't go mimicking Shakespeare, Shelley, or Hemingway if you want to be a successful writer today. You'll only be a great bore.
Here are a few simple rules to follow when writing.
Know Your Audience – Gear your work toward these people.
Keep It Brief – In the Modern Era, people have zero attention span. If you're writing 16 page opuses for Internet consumption, I can personally guarantee you that people will move on after a paragraph or less. And they'll never read you again. As for those paragraphs and sentences… Keep them short, too. And, by all means,
Get to The Fucking Point – Don't fuck around with wild descriptions or long-winded poetic prose. If your piece is about caesarian sections in cats, don't screw around by talking about how much you love cats. Nobody cares. Talk about cutting those shaven cat bellies open and pulling out some bloody, mucous coated kittens already.
The Great Writer meets with The Great Judge
Fall in Love with White Space – White space is a good thing. It comforts people as they're reading your work, allows the reader to breathe. When I read a book, or even an article on the Net, white spaces are spots I can mark to return to after interruption.
If All Else Fails, Writing about Depraved Sex and Drug Abuse Can't Hurt – OK. You've been writing unsuccessfully for years. No matter what you do, you can't break into the publishing world. Your friends and family say they love your work. Let me tell you something: They're likely saying it out of obligation.
Well, remember the craziness of your college years? The sexual and chemical experimentation that you've discussed with a very select few? Guess what. The world wants to hear about your embarrassing, drug-fueled experiences. Throw in a couple double-ended dildos and a drug-fueled orgy or two, and you're in business. You'll have millions of readers (and an estranged family) in no time. Hey, if it worked for Hunter Thompson, it can work for you.
Then again,
Write About What You Know – Don't go writing about double-ended dildo use or group sex if you haven't experienced it. People will see through your lies in an instant, and your work will be instantly blacklisted. If anything can be learned from the James Frey debacle, it's that people want authenticity. Failing to tell the truth equates to career suicide. Whatever you do, don't call your work a memoir if it isn't.
Now, if you've read up on murders, watched a ton of porn, or witnessed a friend's battle with drug abuse, you can technically write a James Patterson novel, erotic literature, or some clichéd, "I gave up drugs. So can you," type tale. Just be sure to either, a) Follow my advice and lay low on the details, allowing your audience to come to their own conclusions. Or, b) Pile on the details in an effort to confuse or overwhelm your audience. Leave little room for interpretation.
There you have it. Oh. Almost forgot one last rule. Run Your Spellchecker at the End of Your Work. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, looks more unprofessional than spelling errors.
Grammatical errors are lax in modern writing. I doubt most of the writers on the NY Times bestseller list know the difference between a sentence and a fragment. I assume 75 percent of the American public is iffy on that knowledge, as well.
Your professor, however, does know the difference, and will likely punish you severely for grammatical laziness. Make sure to be on top of your game in any academic situation.
There you have it. Seven simple writing rules from the writer you know and love. Just take them as they are and ignore his lack of success.
Occasionally, people ask me about writing. It always starts the same way. They can't write. I can. It's such a talent to be able to express oneself with the written word, as so few can. Etcetera.
