By Craig P. Dixon, southcoast247.com correspondent Social Commentary 127
September 13, 2007
I was spending the other day the way I spend most days: Watching TV and waiting for the phone to ring with that multimillion-dollar book deal that'll finally get me out of the struggling single parent lifestyle and skyrocket me to a pampered life of fortune and fame.
OK. So, I stretched the truth a little. Sue me.
In truth, I had my phone on the silent setting because the creditors won't leave me alone. My children (far as I know) are imaginary. And I was only somewhat watching TV.
Mostly, I dozed, waking only every so often to wipe the drool/stale popcorn combo from my face and change the channel. Eventually, I settled on the Spike network and curled up with some Ultimate Fighting Championship, hoping to peacefully enjoy an afternoon of ass kicking through osmosis.
A quality way to spend everyday.
Hot on the AXE dude's trail
Suddenly, an extremely cheesy AXE Body Spray commercial came on and woke me violently from my slumber. It was the one where this goofy-looking fucker coated himself in gallons of AXE and a million girls came from all ends of the earth to jump his bones.
Oh wait… that's the gist of all AXE ads. The ugly/dorky/Skeletor-looking motherfucker sprays himself down with AXE and has the incredibly hot, big-breasted blonde killing all comers in order to serve as willing vessel for goofy AXE guy's spermy goodness. And once she's done there're a thousand others ready to take her place.
I know. Sounds just like my life story.
Seriously, the AXE marketing crew has something here. They're making millions on a bullshit idea. What genius. Let's debunk a couple of AXE myths, shall we?
Myth #1: No matter how goofy or socially inept the individual, he can attract the affections of beautiful women just by spraying himself liberally with a harsh smelling deodorant.
Right… every woman loves a guy that smells fresh outta the Portuguese shower. If you smell like you've bathed in deodorant, you're saying that you smell even worse without artificial scent. And if there's anything I've learned over the years, it's that women love a musky male. Especially when he's sweaty and dirty from yardwork. Just gets them going.
Myth #2: Women are shallower than men, and all it takes to get in their pants is body spray.
The manliest of men.
Wrong. Women are deep creatures. Body spray won't get you laid. It takes dinner at the 99, a chick flick, and about an hour of halfheartedly listening to a conversation to get a girl in the sack. If these methods don't work, I'm told an acoustic serenading of "Let's Get It On" is sure to win over even the most frigid of the female species.
Gentlemen: AXE is obviously not the answer to our hookup issues. The scent's just too over the top. And hell, the words "body spray" and "body wash" shouldn't be in a real man's vocabulary. Real men don't fuck with such garbage.
If you must be a bitch and use such junk, go for the Old Spice brand. The brand of our grandfathers. The scent of The Duke. It's the manliest scent out there. And Old Spice is seeing a revival. They've got a hilarious ad campaign going, with Bruce Campbell plugging about manliness and experience. Bruce Campbell's the manliest bastard in the world.
I'm sticking to bar soap.
I was spending the other day the way I spend most days: Watching TV and waiting for the phone to ring with that multimillion-dollar book deal that'll finally get me out of the struggling single parent lifestyle and skyrocket me to a pampered life of fortune and fame.
