By Craig P. Dixon, southcoast247.com correspondent Social Commentary 122
July 31, 2007
Like any red-blooded American, I enjoy the occasional ultraviolence. After
all, there's nothing better or more American than a brutal, bloody
one-on-one throwdown. Except, of course, a brutal, bloody battle royale.
Witnessing a fellow human in mortal combat is the most primal human
experience next to participating in the festivities. Violence is a vital,
visceral part of the human condition.
Of course, death, accidental or otherwise, may be the end result of these
showdowns. But… isn't that the point?
With this in mind, I head on down to the Surplus Animal Auction at the
Central American Zoological Society and pick up a bear or two. OK, sometimes
I'll splurge and bring home a lion or hippo. If I'm really feeling feisty,
I'll get a liger or zorse. Hard to create exotics are extremely rare, as
they're usually born sterile. But, odds are, even a blind squirrel will find
a nut.
I bring this makeshift menagerie back to Dixon Manor. There, my assistants
and I bulk up our haul on a steady diet of hyperviolent videos, anabolic
steroids, growth hormones, and high-protein foods. It's all extremely
expensive, but I've a few accomplices that help to defray the costs.
As you can imagine, this does wonders for the animals. The once friendly,
monstrous ligers are now tearing long gashes in their concrete enclosures.
The skittish zorse becomes edgy and dangerous as a withdrawing crack fiend.
The hippos double in size, strength, and rage. And the bears, with their
hulking shoulders and mammoth paws, are ready to take on anything.
What a pussy looks like.
Then, we (my assistants, accomplices and I) get in the ring with them for a
little bare-knuckle action. We always lose.
Hell, I lost my arm to the zorse last weekend. Lucky bastard chomped through
my elbow joint in one try. Thankfully, he wasn't hungry and I was able to
dodge his razor sharp hooves, gather up my limb, and hop out of the ring.
Sure. It was extremely painful. But you know what they say. It's not about
winning or losing. It's all about the battle.
What was that you said? I should let the animals fight each other? What do I
look like? A pussy?
Comments? craig@southcoast247.com.
Like any red-blooded American, I enjoy the occasional ultraviolence. After
all, there's nothing better or more American than a brutal, bloody
one-on-one throwdown. Except, of course, a brutal, bloody battle royale.
Witnessing a fellow human in mortal combat is the most primal human
experience next to participating in the festivities. Violence is a vital,
visceral part of the human condition.
