By Craig P. Dixon, southcoast247.com correspondent Social Commentary 118 - 10 Great Places to Pick Up Ladies
July 5th, 2007
The other day at work, I met a newcomer to the South
Coast. After some minutes, he cut to the chase and whispered, "Dude, where
do you go to pick up girls around here?"
I laughed. Luckily for this guy,
he'd come to the right place. I'm an expert of sorts in this field, and a
charitable soul at heart. So, I offered him ten pick-up hints, gave him a
good whack on the back and sent him on his way.
How'd my tips work out?
Well... truth is, I don't know. Haven't seen the guy again. But I suspect
everything went just fine. His schedule is likely loaded after taking my
advice. He's probably knee deep in ladies right now. They're probably
squirming all over him like a bunch of kittens. His only problem is which
one to pick out.
Hell, what I'd give to have that problem.
Unbelievably,
though I've exposed my wealth of knowledge to a complete stranger and
granted him untold pleasures at my expense, I'm still in a giving mood. So,
I pass 10 Great Places to Pick Up Ladies on to you. Enjoy.
ER Waiting Rooms
Have you visited an ER Waiting Room for anything other than your own
personal issue? Maybe you were waiting for a friend. Perhaps you grew
annoyed with the moans of the truly wounded or sick and thought, "Damn. If I
could just get some action...."
Well, drop that annoyance and get to work.
You're sitting on a fucking gold mine, my friend. That Waiting Room scent?
It's not sickness. It's desperation. Desperation and the need to be
comforted equal an easy date. And everyone knows hardships make people
horny. Haven't you seen "Crash"?
So, next time you hear some sweet young
thing shriek, "Is my son ok? Is he ok?" Comfort her with, "He's just fine.
And he wants you to go out with me. For drinks. To relax." When she cocks
her head in disbelief, add, "Really. He does. I asked him."
Bring some
rubbers. You're in like Flynn, boy-o.
Bus Stops
This goes without saying.
If you've ever driven by a bus stop, you've seen a potential date. They're
just sitting there, begging for a free ride. Desperation, remember?
So pull
over already. Offer a ride and request a date in exchange. Girls across the
South Coast are awaiting you, you Good Samaritan you.
Strip Clubs
A dark
place populated by horny, dirty guys. Serviced by dirty, naked girls. Need I
say more?
The hard work's already done for you. The girls are already
naked. You're ninety percent there. Just throw around a bunch of money...
but not too quickly. Before you know it, you'll be swarmed by breasts and
vulvas... I mean, girls. All looking for attention.
They're desperate for
it, son. So, saddle up to the stage. Wait for that hot "blonde" to stumble
her bow-legged self into your lap. Play ignorant for a few dances. Come the
end of the night, immediately offer your week's wages and phone number for a
couple moments spent over drinks.
That smile and hot-for-you attitude?
You're in, bud. Really. Everyone heads home with a stripper. That's what
they're there for.
Bowling Alleys
Ever been to a Bowling Alley? Then
you've been in a cocksman's Shangri-La. From the cheap-seat bar to the
"fresh"-scent shoes, you were in before you got in. So settle down for a few
frames. Start up some conversation with your female lane neighbors. Buy the
bar a round. It'll set you back about 20 bucks. In no time, you'll be
invited to a party in the wrong side of town.
Now trust me. No matter what
your conscience says... stop by. Want to meet girls, jackass? Drop the
conscience and head into that shady six-family tenement. Shut that pesky
little inner voice of yours. It's the only thing keeping you from making new
friends.
Playgrounds
When I mentioned Playgrounds being on the top of my
list, a friend of mine wanted to report me to that "To Catch a Predator"
show. But I'm no predator of children. My quarry is always legal. I've
learned from my hero, the MILF Hunter, that one of the best places to
procure MILF's is your neighborhood playground. They just go home with you.
No questions asked.
Now, don't go into this paradise alone. You'll be
chased out. Or worse: Arrested. Bring along a playground age cousin or,
better yet, a friend's child. (You'll be doing your friend a favor by
watching the kid. And your family won't disown you for using a cousin/neice
as a prop.)
Use the prop as a conversation piece with the single MILF's at
the playground. In minutes, you'll be swamped with phone numbers and be
forced to find excuses to use when avoiding someone you're saving for later
in the month.
Flea Markets
Spend a lot of time at Flea Markets? What a
coincidence. Neither do I.
But not a day goes by that I don't regret
visiting more. If you are a Flea Market regular, you've obviously realized
this is the place to pick up ladies. All around you are girls looking for a
bargain. And you, my friend, are the biggest bargain of all.
So, whip out
that two-inch Johnson of yours and offer it for what you think it's worth.
Trust me: You'll have ladies flocking to you like flies on a log of shit.
But don't sell yourself short. Offer that original NES system along with
your manhood. Now that's a steal any self-respecting lady can't
resist.
I don't know
how many times I've been told, "Sex can be an addiction."
Oh, really? Now,
I'll head to the addictive personality capitols of the world, NA, AA, and SA
meetings, and get tons more sex. Thanks for the information.
It's true.
Addict meetings are filled with addicts. And it's a scientifically proven
fact that addicts are looking for pleasure. When they give up one thing,
they've just got to move on to something else. And if sex is the issue,
they're just a slight bit of temptation away from regressing into barely
kept at bay nymphomania.
So stop in. Tell some silly story under an assumed
first name about how destructive your alcoholism/meth abuse/sex addiction
has been. Immediately lock eyes with the lone female at the meeting. This is
your only chance at action.
And, if you're lucky, this female might be
Lindsay Lohan. Wouldn't it be quaint to tell the tabloids that you met your
ladylove at AA?
Parades
Parades are a great place to pick up ladies. A few
weeks ago, I was visiting a buddy up in Northampton, Mass. He told me to
drive slowly. There was a parade going on, and I didn't want to run anybody
over.
And what a parade it was. Chicks everywhere. They were walking with
signs, but I couldn't make 'em out. I assumed it was a war protest.
Some of
the girls were holding hands. Some kissing. What friendship! I didn't have a
chance to hit on any, but it seemed like the place to be. If I'd been there
a few hours earlier, I'd have pulled dozens of ladies. And left a
legend.
Festivals/Conventions
A friend visited Las Vegas and told me he'd
had the best sex of his life out there. Guess he was out at some convention
in some casino out there. He didn't drop any names. But that's ok. After
all, the specifics of Vegas stay in Vegas. Am I right or am I
right?
Anyhow, he told me he'd met some hot, tall blonde at this
convention. Guess she was huge: 6'3". But she had an unbelievable rack. He
assumed she was at least 40, but she had the tits of a 20-year-old: Firm and
perky. So, he couldn't really tell her age.
She just had one quirk. She
wouldn't do it with the lights on. But this didn't bother my friend. He shut
the lights out and got to it.
I congratulated him. If only we'd traded
places, I'd be telling you this firsthand. What a lucky guy.
Nursing Homes
I got this idea some years ago, when a friend of mine walked in
sporting a "GILF Hunter" t-shirt.
"What the fuck?" I asked,
disgusted.
"Man," he answered. "Girls have babies younger and younger these
days. There are some hot GILFs out there. You should keep a more open
mind."
I contemplated his advice. He was damned right. The GILF market had
been terribly overlooked. It was wide open. And like the Dot Com boom, I
wanted to be on the ground floor when it took off. I only had to stop by the
Nursing Home and talk to a few. Then, I'd bring home some seriously
experienced ladies. Be the envy of all my friends. And for once be the
student, rather than the teacher.
Now, you can't just drop by your local
Nursing Home. You've either A) Got to know somebody in there, B) Work there,
or C) Be a volunteer. Then you're ok. And, before you know it, will be
rolling in GILF love.
Well, as the saying goes: You can lead a horse to
water, but you can't make him drink. I've lead you there. Now you've just
got to take the initiative and sip that crispy, sweet water.
And don't keep
your results to yourself, you ungrateful son of a bitch. Drop me an email
and let me know how things work out.
Comments? craig@southcoast247.com
The other day at work, I met a newcomer to the South
Coast. After some minutes, he cut to the chase and whispered, "Dude, where
do you go to pick up girls around here?"
