By Craig P. Dixon, southcoast247.com correspondent Social Commentary 114
June 6th, 2007
Whenever a Red Sox/Yankees game is broadcast on the FOX Network, I want to
hurt someone. Actually, let me amend that statement. I want to hurt two
someones.
If I could, I'd reach into the television, drag out Joe Buck and
Tim McCarver by their scrawny turkey necks and beat them senseless. Then I'd
shake the New York bullshit out of them, mount the two atop the Green
Monster on pikes and festoon them in Red Sox regalia for every red-blooded
Sox fan to see. They'd weather nicely in the New England elements.
Some
five centuries from now, future humans will stumble upon the Buck/McCarver
mummies and declare their discovery as important a cultural find as the
uncovering of King Tut's tomb. Finally, Buck and McCarver will do something
for those future Americans they've never done for present ones: Actually be
of some worth.
Buck and McCarver are shameless Yankees fans. And all
Yankees fans, no matter how indifferent they may try to sound, absolutely
hate the Red Sox. So, if you've got the Sox playing anybody on FOX, you're
going to hear constant vocal diarrhea from these bumbling FOX
shitheels.
Two gaping assholes
Let's start with Friday night's game. Quite a few batters had
been hit by pitches. The beanball action culminated with Scott Proctor
nearly pegging Kevin Youkilis in the face with a fastball. This action
cleared both benches, and earned both Proctor and manager Joe Torre
ejections from the game.
Come Saturday, the Yanks once again brought
Proctor in to relieve Mike Mussina. Torre and Proctor were both warned by
the umps to keep things clean. Specifically, Proctor was told that if he
came anywhere near hitting somebody, he AND Torre would get tossed from the
game. Sounds like the punishment fit the crime.
Not to McCarver. He jumped
all over it. "Proctor's at a real disadvantage here." He said. "It's not
like he purposely tried to hit Youkilis in the face."
Well, guess what,
McCarver. I was watching Friday night's game. And Proctor missed Youkilis'
nose by a pubic hair. Funny how, though you describe Proctor's pitch as a
mistake, he came nowhere near anybody throughout Saturday night's
performance. I guess he does have decent control after all. By the way, your
boy Proctor blew the game.
That afternoon, the Buck/McCarver duo also took
it upon themselves to defend two morally despicable individuals: Barry Bonds
and Alex Rodriguez. They declared the steroid evidence against Bonds
"circumstantial", and said it would be shameful if the Commissioner weren't
there to congratulate him upon breaking Hank Aaron's home run record. They
continued by saying that A-Rod was receiving unwarranted harassment from the
Fenway faithful. (If you missed it, some fans were sporting blonde woman
masks, in reference to A-Rod's being photographed out on the town and ending
the night at the Four Season's with an exotic dancer in Toronto.)
Are you
guys serious? Both men are in the public eye. Both are morally
reprehensible. They are supposed to be role models. A-Rod was on a fucking
Boys & Girls Club commercial during Sunday's game, for shit's sake. Should
he be out fucking around on his wife for the whole country to see? Hell
no.
Should he be heckled from the moment he steps onto Boston ground to the
moment he leaves? Hell yes. That's a part of the Yankees/Sox rivalry.
But
you guys wouldn't agree. After all, you head out to eat with A-Rod. Hell,
you're probably blowing him, too. You two are knee deep in Yankee man
butter.
You know what a chazzer is, boys? It's Yiddish for "pig". You two
are chazzers. You're pigs that don't fly straight. And you're perfect for a
fair and balanced network like FOX.
Whenever a Red Sox/Yankees game is broadcast on the FOX Network, I want to
hurt someone. Actually, let me amend that statement. I want to hurt two
someones.
