Kaiju Big Battel's Coming to Town: An Interview with Louden Noxious and Dr. Cube Interview by Chris Hassan, southcoast247.com correspondent
Photo from Kaiju.com
Kaiju Big Battel's colorful cast of characters.
Our planet is the battleground for the centuries-old Kaiju conflict. Everyday we wake up, go to school or work, and pray that the monstrous Kaiju don't accidentally step on us, or use our cars as projectiles. Personally, I wish they'd just return to outer space, or wherever they came from, but I suppose they have just as much of a right to be here as me. I mean some of the Kaiju have been on this planet longer then most humans. Well, at least the Kaiju Regulatory Commission exists to protect us from the Kaiju threat.
The KRC's Kaiju Commissioner himself informed me that Kaiju Big Battel is coming to Providence, Rhode Island. Yes, the maximum-security event created so that the Kaiju can go at each other and unleash their pent-up aggression without harming any human life is coming to our neck of the woods. Surely, this news is a relief to many, but where there's a Kaiju Big Battel, can the maniacal Dr. Cube and his Posse be far behind? Dr. Cube, the evil mad scientist hell-bent on taking over the planet, who'd probably love to see Providence's mighty two-building skyline in ruins.
As a journalist, I've interviewed far too many victims of previous Kaiju battles. Was I just going to sit around until Kaiju Big Battel came to town? No way, we deserve some answers. Thankfully, the Kaiju Commissioner was kind enough to set up an interview with Kaiju Big Battel's official MC, Louden Noxious.
SC247: Louden, as the official Kaiju Big Battel Commentator, you're pretty close to the action. You've been attacked by monsters such as Gomi-Man and Call Me-Kevin while in the Danger Cage. Do you ever fear for your life? How close has Louden Noxious come to death?
Louden Noxious: I often fear for my life. Every Big Battle has at least a dozen moments where I honestly don't know if I am going to live to see another episode of Project Runway. How close have I come to death? Well, I'm actually a card-carrying member of the "Flat Line Club." That's right, I was once knocked to the other side when an exploding Honda Civic landed on me. Luckily, Referee Jingi was there to revive me. God bless him.
SC247: Yikes, how do you manage to keep your sense of humor with all this danger around you?
LN: I have always taken a hedonistic approach to life...if you're not enjoying it, why bother even getting out of bed in the morning? The danger is real, better to embrace it than cower from it.
SC247: How do you respond to those who say you're just in it for the fame?
LN: How dare they say that? Kaiju Big Battel is dead serious. This is a matter of life or death. I risk my life every time I step into the Danger Cage. Suffice to say, a dead man enjoys no fame.
SC247: How safe are these Kaiju Big Battels?
LN: These are maximum-security events that are extremely safe for human spectators. Unfortunately, I cannot say that for the combatants. Many a monster and hero alike has fallen in the Danger Cage. But yeah, bring the kids. It's safer than the local public swimming pool, for sure.
SC247: Why are you bringing Kaiju Big Battel to Providence? I have friends in that city; I fear for their safety.
LN: I think you are mistaken; I don't bring Kaiju Big Battels anywhere. The Kaiju Commissioner is the one who chooses the cities, but this is a public service, so don't be afraid. The Commissioner is in fact protecting Providence from total destruction by huge monsters. You should feel very lucky. We get requests everyday from all over the world for people begging Kaiju to come protect their city from live monster mayhem.
SC247: Are you close friends with any of the Kaiju? Do you have a favorite and a least favorite?
LN: I am down with all the Heroes and a couple of the Rogues too, like Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle Soup. My favorite? I am not one to pick sides. In case you haven't heard I am a professional, impartial, commentator.
SC247: What do the Kaijus do in their free time?
LN: Well, that depends on the monster. A Hero like Dusto Bunny, when not fighting giant evil city-crushing monsters, studies the teachings of Buddha and Confucius...that's why he is the wise old sage of Kaiju. Dino Kang Jr. looks cute in his free time, but don't be fooled he is one vicious beast. So, like we humans, each monster pursues his or her particular pastimes when not engaged in Battel.
SC247: What about Dr. Cube? What do you think of him? Have you ever talked to him in person? Any good stories you could share?
LN: I think he is a miserable, despicable, monster of a man. Yeah, I have exchanged many a heated word with that jerk. Good stories? How about the time I was hosting a charity ball for orphans and Cube crashed the event by throwing toxic slime on everyone. Cube is a total jerk.
SC247: Finally, what can people expect if they decide to attend the Providence Big Battel?
LN: They can expect the best night of live monster mayhem in their life! We're bringing back the Danger Cage, so no humans get hurt by falling skyscrapers and the like...we got an all star cast of Heroes including Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder, Sun Buster and even a brand new Hero Intern. I am hoping we can expect these Heroes to defend the fair city of Providence from evil do-ers. The cops get the night off! The bottom line is that you will get your money's worth at Kaiju Big Battel. Come on down, the Kaiju Heroes do not disappoint.
Following my interview with Louden Noxious, I was actually kidnapped and blindfolded by Dr. Cube's horrific Minions. When they removed the blindfold, there I was, face to cube with evil personified. No, I'm not making this up to sell our free magazines, the following interview actually happened.
SC247: Dr. Cube, why do people say such...evil things about you?
Dr. Cube: I cannot even rationalize with that sentiment which only exemplifies how far below me you proletariats truly are. Only a feeble-minded individual would be concerned with the thoughts and words of others. I have many more important ways to dedicate my brainpower, like working towards world domination. And that, my enemy, is what separates the renowned geniuses from the driveling dunces, like you.
SC247: Oh...so, why do you want to rule the world?
DC: You may be surprised to learn that it is for the very same reason that you will prolong your miserable existence by living with your parents for the rest of your life. Simply put, I want to rule the world because I can. Except instead of leeching off of the wretched creators that you call "mother" and "father," expecting them to feed you, forcing them to neglect mortgage payments, I could provide them with fame and fortune beyond their most decadent desires. Even still, they appear to be too ignorant to join the ranks of my legion, hung up on an emotional attachment to a needy mound of flesh that they so proudly sired.
SC247: Okay okay, lets leave my parents out of this. Hey, why do you wear a cube on your head?
DC: Why can't you conduct a proper interview? Oh, I know, it is because you are a dolt! This next question better satisfy my intellect or else...
SC247: Hm...how long does it take you to create one of your monsters?
DC: Ah, finally, a query worthy of an enlightened response. It depends on a plethora of variables, really. The size of the monster, the expected performance of the beast, the availability of spare critter parts...I could go on. For instance, when I created Gomi-Man, all of the industrial byproducts were collected in one landfill in New Jersey. These are the same hazardous materials that will leave one out of every four Rhode Islanders with cancer, mind you, so I felt privileged to work with such dangerous resources. All I had to do was combine blood plasma and radioactive waste, so it was a relatively short process...about a few days.
SC247: Since this is southcoast247.com, I have to ask...what would happen to the SouthCoast of New England if you took over the planet? Is there anything we can do to ensure our survival in a Dr. Cube-ruled world?
DC: It isn't anything that you will need to worry about. If you are one of the intelligent few, you will have already surrendered to me, avoiding the painstaking process of genetic modification. If not, I will murder you, drill a hole in your skull, melt down whatever is left of your tiny brain, add my own undisclosed DNA solution, and bring you back to life. Oh, and I would abolish the production of those nauseating clam cakes.
SC247: I'm just going to ask you some general questions so our readers can get to know you a little better. Have you been following the Election?
DC: I don't typically care to discuss politics, but what I find particularly interesting is how these supposed "world leaders" can resign themselves to only one nation when there are one hundred and ninety four other countries on the globe that are ripe for the picking.
SC247: Do you ever think about putting the Cube away and settling down, having a family?
DC: I already have a family of devout disciples who will cater to my every whim. I don't need a trophy wife and three runny-nosed brats to validate my essence. I already procreate with my powerful mind and nimble hands.
SC247: While you're in town, do you think you and your Posse will take in a few Providence sights? They've got a great mall.
DC: Funny you mention that, because I refuse to grace the inhabitants of Providence with my presence for the upcoming "Danger Strikes Back" Big Battel. "The Renaissance City" is riddled with Mediterranean mobsters, pesky pupils, and half-wit homemakers. But what else should one expect from Roger Williams, an advocate for treating the natives as equals when they couldn't even protect their homeland? If he had half of a brain he would have enslaved every last one of them and conducted a hostile takeover of the entire continent. Still, I've requested that Dino Kang Jr. inspect the Providence Athenaeum for an alleged version of the Necronomicon, so long as he doesn't drink from the fountain on Benefit Street.
SC247: Have you or any of your Posse ever read southcoast247.com?
DC: Your luck is running out. This interview is supposed to be about me, the prolific Dr. Cube. Not you and your dumb website. I only have time now for one more question, so you better make it count.
SC247: I'm sorry, forgive me Dr. Cube. What can people expect if they decide to attend the Providence Big Battel?
DC: You will see a towering steel fortress erected to contain copious amounts of danger. You will see giant, city-crushing monsters bashing each other with the cityscape of Providence. You will see meddlesome heroes struggling to protect the bloodthirsty bystanders, fixated on living vicariously through the violence. But most importantly, you will not see Dr. Cube, because I have bigger fish to fry. Good day!
Yes, I too was surprised to see him let me go with my brain in one piece. But like most megalomaniacs, I assume he let me live so I'd share his twisted words with the world.
Kaiju Big Battel will be at Lupo's Heartbreak Hotel in Providence, Rhode Island on Saturday, March 29th. Doors open at 6:30 PM, the mayhem starts at 7:30 PM. Tickets are $16 in advance, $18 the day of the show. For more information, head over to www.kaiju.com.
