Knowing is Half the Battle: Surviving a Biblical Apocalypse Article by Anne O'Brien-Kakley, southcoast247.com correspondent
Photos by Dennis Yermoshin, southcoast247.com photographer
Let's face it. The Four Horsemen are a scary sight. They are all cloaked, carrying scales of justice, and just generally looking intimidating. It's important to be prepared in the face of these Revelations no-good-nicks. Follow these pointers, and you'll be laughing your way through the apocalypse.
What you'll need:
Foresight and a cool head Enough water and food to last several weeks A gun, preferably a small arsenal, complete with plenty of ammo Batteries Cordless radio Candles and matches A t-shirt and a Sharpie pen Some booze, preferably a LOT of booze Lots of open containers Seeds and implements of gardening An axe Some penicillin leftover from that wisdom tooth that you had out A fireplace A big metal can A guitar
Step 1: First, you are going to want to assess how bad the situation is. Use your battery-powered radio and listen for any station that might be available, even if it is not government-run. The government might be gone by now. It will be important to know what has happened, what might continue to happen, and where you should go for help.
Step 2: IN THE EVENT OF ZOMBIES: Take the Sharpie and write on the t-shirt: "I love human brains". The zombies will think you are one of them.
Step 3: If you are going to stay where you are, continue reading. If you are going to head elsewhere, continue to step 8. If you are staying where you are, stop up and fill every sink, every tub, and every open container you own with tap water. If fall-out is on its way, the water supplies will be compromised. Even if there is no fall-out, water supplies could become affected by hysteria; it's best to just be prepared.
Step 4: If it is winter, live on the food you have for as long as possible. If you don't have enough food, use guns to shoot squirrels, raccoons, ducks and other cute little animals. Once spring comes, gather dandelion greens and start your seeds. These will grow into crops that will sustain you through summer, and then you can dry and pickle that stuff so you can survive the next winter.
Step 5: Start thinking about fire. If you have a fireplace, start a fire and use your axe to make sure you never run out of firewood. If you don't have a fireplace, use an outdoor can or a grill or something to cook your food. You don't want the trots when you're already dealing with the apocalypse.
Step 6: If anyone tries to steal your stuff - shoot them.
Step 7: Use candles to see at night.
Step 8: IF YOU GET INJURED: Use the booze as a painkiller and to disinfect the wound. Either take the antibiotic as a preventative measure, or wait until you see signs of infection and take it then.
Step 9: If you decide to hit the road ala Stephen King's The Stand, pack your belongings, and grab as many open containers as you can hold. Siphon gas from as many abandoned cars as you can find. Keep walking until you find an abandoned motorcycle, preferably one with a deceased owner and a set of keys in the ignition. Use this for transportation - it'll make it easy for you to navigate disasters and it'll take up less gas.
Step 10: Keep a guitar on you at all times so you can entertain yourself and write songs about how much you kick ass for surviving an apocalypse. You will be a legend someday - if humanity survives.
Step 11: IN THE EVENT OF AN ENORMOUS METEOR - Forget living. Go to your basement, cower in fear, and skip the previous 10 steps.
So there you have it - survival in 11 simple steps. Here is some suggested reading for those of you who really mean business: The Stand by Stephen King Alas, Babylon by Pat Frank The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead by Max Brooks
Let's face it. The Four Horsemen are a scary sight. They are all cloaked, carrying scales of justice, and just generally looking intimidating. It's important to be prepared in the face of these Revelations no-good-nicks. Follow these pointers, and you'll be laughing your way through the apocalypse.
Foresight and a cool head
